A Long Time in Politics: The Unbearable Lightness of Being Rumbled by the Telegraph

Sadie Smith‘s Roundup of the Parliamentary Week

Since hardly anybody got the joke about Round the Horne last week, I’m obviously going to do another one this week. That’s right folks, it’s called “listening and leading” and so, without further ado, here are the answers to last week’s quiz.

In the “Where do you find it?” round, the answers were: down the back of Lembit Opik’s sofa; in the Emergency Nokia stash at Number 10; and behind the public toilet after midnight on the Kings Road.

The “What’s Wrong With this Picture?” round: most of you spotted that Douglas Hogg’s drawbridge should have been creosoted by the taxpayer and not Lady Astor.

And finally, readers were asked to complete the following phrase: “MPs in receipt of the Additional Cost Allowance shouldn’t …”

And that, of course, is complete as it stands.

WHO’S SORRY NOW?
It’s been the sort of week in politics in which everybody has been so focused on a single issue that it wouldn’t have mattered if Nadine Dorries, Harriet Harman, Caroline Flint, and Sharon Hodgson had all broken out in an impromptu rendition of “Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?” in the middle of Business Questions, whilst using the mace as a highly inappropriate prop.

If you want to know what has gone on in Westminster politics this week, you only need two words: “Telegraph” and “expenses”.

As if to prove the point of those of us who, for years, have been warning of the dangers of subcontraction in relation to the provision of council services, last Friday the Telegraph announced it had got its journalistic mitts on the unredacted receipts of all Members of Parliament and had records of them claiming off the taxpayer everything from posh gingernuts to mansion maintenance. Naturally – because they don’t call it the Torygraph for nothing – the dirty linen of the comrades was up first.

And there’s no denying it was dirty. You probably all know who did what and how (and if you don’t, Guido’s got a handy, probably-almost-accurate summary here) but it is worth wondering whether Hazel Blears’ alleged “flipping” was given even closer scrutiny than the considerable amount it would have got anyway owing to Lamentablegate the week before, as well as what in the name of chuff “Artex ceilings” are.

The Tory management of the exposure of their expenses the following day was, at least it would have been to a disinterested observer, simply superb. The Conservative blogosphere kicked into action early on with some tactical scapegoating of the eminently scapegoatable James Gray over him trying to put the cost of a Remembrance Day wreath on the taxpayers’ tab. This was swiftly followed by a press conference featuring Cameron looking concerned and saying sorry a lot because he was very sorry that this whole sorry mess had come about and put the sorry asses of the Parliamentarians involved in something so sorry. Sorry.

By virtue of their slick media management and the fact that the ladies and gentlemen of the press are bored of us now and want a new set of puppies to torture come the next general election, the darkly hilarious items which the Tories spent their allowances on passed with not quite as much notice as they might otherwise elicit. Douglas Hogg has a moat?

And then, apart from the nation being diverted by the thought of Christ Huhne owning a trouser press, it was all over bar the shouting. And apparently there was some of that at a meeting of the Tories’ 1922 Committee: the Boy Wonder held the line – and monies are to be repayed – but the Boulton Blog and Hopi Sen (amongst others) are wondering whether this will breed trouble for Dave in the future from the direction of those who aren’t born with gilt edged Order Papers in the libraries of their country pads.

As with any scandal of this nature, this brought out both the best and the worst in the blogosphere. Kerry McCarthy MP has been on cracking form, The Sound of Gunfire tries to keep things in proportion and Alastair Campbell tells the tale of Phantom Expense Claims made by the fourth estate. Fancy that. As for the worst … I think I’ve started enough flame wars here for one day, don’t you?

ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS, FOR IT TOLLS FOR THEE … MICHAEL MARTIN?
James Gray was not the only collateral damage this week. The Speaker, Michael Martin, managed to lose his rag with Labour MP Kate Hoey over the direction of his concerns over the leaking of the receipts and, thus, the Get Rid of Martin Campaign (Part the Ninth) ground inexorably into action. This time it looks like it could really spell trouble. Douglas Carswell is planning to table an Early Day Motion next week expressing no confidence in Martin, and two Labour members – Paul Flynn and Gordon Prentice – have already indicated they will sign.

WHO WILL RID ME OF THIS TROUBLESOME GRANDEE?
Norman Tebbit emphatically does not want you to vote for the wrong party come the European elections next month. Blackburn Labour pick the lumps out of that one, so you don’t have to.

ON THE ADJOURNMENT (ODDS ‘N’ SODS)
Toby Young in the Spectator leads the backlash against journalistic sanctimony, and Laurie Penny (of this parish) attacks PETA over their view of women in the fauna pecking-order. Meanwhile, Hollyoaks actors are considering going on strike after learning that tonelessly reading from an autocue earns you as much £92,000 per year in some regions of the media jungle, and Olly’s Onions writes the ultimate in contrite Parliamentary apologies.

Follow Sadie on Twitter and visit her blog at sadiestavern.blogspot.com.