A massive yacht for the Queen

January 22, 2012 3:00 pm

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“A yacht. A yacht? Really, a yacht? You want to leak it that we’re going to buy the Queen a yacht?”

 

“Yes. Just to test the water, as it were.”

 

“Don’t joke, Michael. And stop winking. Are you serious about any of this?”

“Absolutely! I’m sure it will work.”

 

“It just sounds like it might feasibly backfire terribly.”

 

“I really don’t think it will. Either way, we won’t actually buy a yacht. No harm done.”

 

“Are you sure? I really, really have a bad feeling about this. I think it could go horribly wrong. Labour are getting terrible press, will this not push all the attention onto us?”

 

“What’s the point of all their bad press if we don’t know how far we can push it? Saying something mad like this is a great idea.They’re at each other’s throats every day. Len McCluskey’s spitting feathers. Given a choice between Red Len mauling Red Ed and and Red Ed trying to maul you, what do you think the news stations will cover? They’re a shambles, they don’t have a clue. Their completely ineffectual! I honestly reckon we can get away with saying we’re going to get the Queen a massive y…”

 

“You didn’t say it was going to be a massive yacht!”

 

“It has to be a massive yacht!”

 

“How massive?”

 

“Really massive. £60 million pounds worth of massive yacht.”

 

“£60 million?! You’re insane Michael. You’ve got tourettes. You’re a tw*t. This will never work. We can’t get away with saying we’ll spend £60 million on a massive yacht for the Queen.”
“We can get away with saying we’ll buy the Queen a massive yacht. By the end of the week, I bet our poll lead will be even bigger.”

 

“If this comes back to bite us, you’re going straight to Culture, Media and Sport.”

 

“Trust me, Dave. If we get away with saying we’re going to buy the Queen a massive yacht, we can get away with anything. Privatising the NHS is going to be a doddle.”

 

“You’ve gone mad with power.”

 

“People like us don’t go mad with power. We were born for this.”

 

“I don’t know, Michael…”
“Massive yacht, Dave. Massive yacht. For the Queen.”

 

“…You know what? Do it! Say that we’re going to get the Queen a massive yacht!”
“This is going to be hilarious, Dave. If we can do this, we can literally get away with anything.”

 

“Hell yeah! If this works, I think I might actually get the Queen a massive yacht.”

 

“Genius.”

  • Anonymous

    We are being told three or four large companies would be willing to fund it, nothing wrong with that. better then giving wage rises to it’s workers, HMS Tesco on the way in and HMS Asda on the way out the stern  would have Cashcroft and the Bow would have Lord Paul. done and paid for.

  • Franwhi

    Why don’t these large companies just pay their proper taxes then they won’t need to salve their consciences with acts of dubious philanthropy ?

  • TomFairfax

    The problem is that £60 might get you a fishery protection vessel, or a deep water trawler, but I suspect not much of a yacht. Abrahamovic’s is reputedly a $1 billion affair.

    Not only is it an insensitive idea, it wouldn’t pass muster as realistic even if the Treasury was awash with cash.

    Then there’s the small matter of crewing the resulting tub, not to mention equipping it to deal with missile threats and suicidal Cesna pilots. In short, you’d almost certainly end up with a full blown military vessel with some nice paintwork and little change from at least £600 million.

    The Daring’s are about a billion each, and barely equipped to deal with a fishing boat when launched minus an operating missile system.

    It would be cheaper to convert the recently decommissioned Ark Royal into a floating gin palace.

  • Anonymous

    Hey Camerude – like it – get a pro / anti monarchy argument going to bury all the bad news under – almost as good as stirring up an immigration debate for taking people’s minds off our riches.

  • Anonymous

    Ho Ho Ho!
    He He He!
    Har Har Har!

    Perhaps your mate Tony and his partner Cherry would like to comment? Or Lord whatsit who played such marvellous tennis and flogged peerages on the back of never never schemes that somehow didn’t figure in the budget?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1557475545 Jack Bonner

    HMS Emirates anyone? 

  • http://twitter.com/JackTindale Jack Tindale

    Gove could solve both of his “Big Idea” problems simply by offering to give The Queen a boat made out of papier-mâché.

  • http://twitter.com/JackTindale Jack Tindale

    Gove could solve both of his “Big Idea” problems simply by offering to give The Queen a boat made out of papier-mâché.

  • Anonymous

    Its a test for us.

    If they can get this past the plebs they can do anything.

    Privatised NHS, Wars, 5 million unemployed, fox hunting back, soup kitchens on street corners, they want a return to the 1930′s and its social hierarchy.

    Public school boys running the country, charities running the welfare state, the Monarch on her yacht.

    • Anonymous

      And that’s only the labour party

    • Anonymous

      I might get a job on the yacht then cleaning the bilge, scrubbing the deck. hijacking

  • Anonymous

    At 85 what the heck does the Queen need a new yacht for?

    • Anonymous

      State funeral we can all shoot arrows at it as it Sails  off to Valhalla.

  • Anonymous

    Judge for yourselves…

    http://www.universityoftheoceans.org/

    Personally, I think it looks quite exciting.

    • Anonymous

      Well of course it would have to have the top line  anti missile Missiles , it would have to have  protection from attack, it would have to be  unsinkable as are all ships these days.

      Crewed with top class secret agents like Johnny English,  Fred Bond, and of course they have to have cannon…..

      • Anonymous

        Did you even read it?

  • Anonymous

    It’s not that expensive, just five years work for an ex Labour Prime Minister.

  • jaime taurosangastre candelas

    I would like Britain to fund – out of the existing costs of the DFID department – a hospital and disaster relief ship.  A ship with the capacity to have 100 hospital beds, the normal hospital functions, and space for specialised clinics for typical third world diseases.  If there is also space, it could have on board cargoes of tents, emergency food supplies in tins and packets, and perhaps some equipment for water extraction and purification.

    When not actively assisting, it could be a teaching resource to train people in third world countries in basic heath and disease prevention measures.It could be built in Britain so making jobs for British people, and would I think be a good ambassador for the country.

    • Anonymous

      Not a lot of good if the country is land locked is it, what we need of course is to fund a charity to really carry out this type of health care, not all these charities we have today all doing little things which do help, but where money can be wasted.

    • Daniel Speight

      I think that was one of the original excuses for the previous royal yacht Jaime. It was meant to double up as a wartime hospital ship. I don’t think it ever could have, but it sounded good. Better watch out for what you wish for.

  • Anonymous

    If its going to be entirely privately funded then who the hell cares? The left really needs to stop trying to tell other people how to spend their own money!!!!!

    Concentrate on taxpayers cash.

    • Anonymous

      Have to explain! crewing the dam thing would be  taxpayers, get it now

      • Anonymous

        No not really. Crewing the damn thin wast mentioned at all in the critiscisms and surely it will create some of the much needed jobs that you lots are always bleating on about? That I to say I they don’t just use their current staff which they probably would anyway.

        If a private company want to throw away millions on a vanity project then its their money to waste.

        • http://www.futureeconomics.org Diarmid Weir

          ‘If a private company want to throw away millions on a vanity project then its their money to waste.’

          Doesn’t say much for the ‘efficiency’ of the private sector, if they can though, does it?

      • Anonymous

        Wrong again.

        It’s to be runa t a small profit, which would go into bursaries.

  • AmberStar

    FFS, Labour are getting killed in the polls over our utterly confused, non-strategy for the economy & we think the yacht thing could be a problem for the Tories!!! 8-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=523355505 Matilda Murday

    You’ve been reading The Coalition Chronicles. :)

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