The UKIP Calypso should be number one

On the 1^st March 1945, a reggae legend was born.

Two years later, on the 1^st March 1947, Mike Read was born.

Unfortunately, a birthday is no longer the only thing that connects Mike Read and multiple Grammy-winner Burning Spear. They are now both purveyors of politically charged Afro-Carribean songs about independence.

By now, you should all be aware of the new UKIP single. Sung by former Radio One disc jockey Mike Read, it is a rare foray by the nationalist right into black culture – they tend to take a more familiar folksy route. But UKIP have always been a little more difficult to categorise.

“Illegal immigrants in every town,” Read croons, while failing to source research to back up his remarkable claim, almost as though it was totally unproven.

While academic citations may be an unusual step for songs that aspire to top the Hit Parade charts (The Proclaimers never did walk the thousand miles they so bullishly said they would), a footnote here would not be the most striking thing about an anti-immigration calypso ditty sung in a Carribean accent by a white OAP who grew up in Surrey.

Incredibly, this isn’t even just Mike Read out on a limb; this comes with UKIP backing. The Official UKIP account has tweeted it out, and Nigel Farage says he wants it to get to number one.

I agree with Nigel. UKIP Calypso should be number one. I will stand against any concerted effort to stop it.

Not because I like it, obviously. It largely fails to meet the required level of rhythm demanded not just by the calypso genre, but to really be considered music at all. And there’s a verse about jam.

If the accidental discovery of penicillin, the development of the internet and John Coltrane’s Blue Train can all be fairly argued to be the pinnacle of human achievement, it’s hard to see what exactly rivals the UKIP Calypso as a depth plumbed for our species. Like, war, maybe?

If by some unlikely chance the media coverage invigorates the peculiar cross-section of society that comprises of hard line ‘Kippers, Mike Read’s core fan base and lovers of ironic calypso to come out in droves and propel the song to number one, it can only be good news. The people of Britain will surely never forgive a party that officially associates itself with this kind of filth. If those who have turned to UKIP due to dissatisfaction with the political system hear Mike Read’s faux-Trinidadian lilt, it will no doubt convince them that the alternative is worse. They will look at the Top 40 and finally think that enough is enough.

No, it is not hopeful politics, but it’s the most convincing short term anti-UKIP strategy we have. It’s pretty much this or banging on about immigration for the next seven months. It’s at least worth a shot.

Years from now, if the next generation is learning about the formation of the Glorious Independent and United Kingdom, they will learn that this was the moment when something could have been done. “When the UKIP Calypso came out, why didn’t you stop them?” the children will ask, “Why did you let this happen?”

And you’ll reply: “We thought it would be embarrassing if it got to number one.”