Those dreaming about a new Labour leader should come back to reality

It used to be the left of the Labour party that was known for constantly throwing tantrums and being disloyal to the party’s leader. Voters like people who speak their mind, they said, forgetting that voters also get turned off by parties who are riven by factionalism and infighting.

The predictable news of Cameron’s EU poll bump has brought out the usual suspects to start pining for an alternative Labour leader again.

They should really stop day-dreaming and come back to reality. David Miliband isn’t coming back as leader and Yvette Cooper would be foolish to try knifing Ed Miliband anytime soon. Before I explain why however, there are two quick points to make.

First, Cameron’s poll bump was entirely predictable and expected. It has come mostly from the UKIP right than Labour support, and will recede once they realise that Cameron isn’t planning to offer a referendum any time soon. Oh and that the terrible state of the economy matters far more.

Second, the poll bump came because Cameron took a clear (if damaging to Britain’s long-term interests) decision that was giddily supported by the right-wing press. Would David Miliband have done things differently? No – he would have also struggled to offer a clear, populist alternative to Cameron.

That aside, there are simple reasons why David Miliband isn’t going to be Labour party’s next leader. A longer explanation was offered by Sunder Katwala in June this year.

There are other reasons too: if David were to try and oust his own brother by force (highly unlikely), others like Yvette Cooper would simply throw their hat into the ring. As Emma Burnell pointed out earlier:

“A well timed speech by [Ed] Balls along the lines of “I’ve run once and I lost by the rules of our contest fair and square” would frankly kill David’s chances of looking like anything other than a sore loser.”

Indeed, and there are problems for Yvette Cooper too. Ed Balls developed a reputation as a behind-the-scenes schemer while Labour was in power, and accused of being disloyal (fairly or unfairly) to the party leader then. This time around he has gone out of his way to deal with that reputational problem.

But any sign that Yvette Cooper was planning to knife Ed Miliband in the back would not only anger the unions but also invite accusations that the Balls-Cooper duo were being disloyal again and trying to take over the party. It wouldn’t inspire much loyalty in her leadership and daggers would come out the first time she stumbles.

And this brings me to my final point.

Some Labourites seem to have deluded themselves into believing Cameron would stop making jokes about the opposition leader if he wasn’t facing Ed Miliband. But if David Miliband returned after knifing his brother, the new Labour leader would become the butt of jokes across the country not just the occasional one by Cameron. The banana jokes would make a come back, as would jibes that he was weak and indecisive (remember when he was riffed for continually failing to topple Gordon Brown?)

Similarly, does anyone really believe Yvette Cooper wouldn’t face puerile gags about Ed Balls if she took over as party leader? The Tories are desperate people who will happily hit below the belt to deflect attention from their economic incompetence.

Labourites would be sublimely foolish to fall for their well laid traps.