A big house in the country, some council tax, nice BBQ…a cuddly toy!

By Shamik Das / @shamikdas

Another week, another slew of uncomfortable headlines for the Government, and in the midst of the latest stories MPs’ expenses, the long-awaited launch of the European elections campaign – the campaign that daren’t speak its name.

A YouTube video here, a party election broadcast there, warnings that the June 4th poll could sound the death knell for the Prime Minister, pleas for people to get out and vote in order to prevent the BNP from winning, but no one mounting a passionate defence of Europe nor laying out a positive case for voting Labour.

I went to one of those “Talking Politics with Eddie Izzard” events at UCL recently, a decidedly unmemorable affair in which the comedian set out why he wants to be a candidate but forgot to mention the upcoming elections, as did his guests, the Education Secretary and the Olympics Minister.

The whole affair felt like one of those “An Audience with [insert z-lister of choice]” that appear on ITV from time to time, during which hand-picked members of the audience fawn over the celeb in question and ask them to perform one of their hits or relay a famous anecdote.

I half expected to see Ed Balls wow the crowd with a rendition of “Golden Brown” or witness Tessa Jowell tell us about the time she got on the North London line to Stratford and marvelled at the Olympic Stadium in all its glory… Wait a minute; she did tell us that story! Well, I guess it does look quite spectacular, almost as amazing as hearing of a Cabinet Minister who uses public transport.

Though the way in which she told the story, in which she makes all her speeches, was anything but spectacular. The very, very slow delivery, the condescending tone one would normally reserve for someone you hold in complete contempt or think incredibly thick, in the manner a nursery school teacher scalding a three-year-old for being a naughty boy, told to sit in the corner and think about what he’s done.

Maybe a job on Playschool will be forthcoming once 2012’s been and gone? Indeed, there are many opportunities on the small screen that could open up for the nation’s politicians once their time in Westminster is up, as actors, hosts and participants alike.

Take the Prime Minister himself for example, a man who knows how to get laughs from home videos. Following his comedy turn on YouTube the other week, he’d be ideally placed to be the next host of “You’ve Been Framed”, now Jeremy Beadle is sadly no longer with us: “S-s-s-send us in your hilarious home vids for the ch-ch-chance to win twenty-three pounds and forty-seven pence!”

Or how about Michael Meacher as a star turn on “House in the country” or should that be “Nine homes in the country” in which the former Environment Minister and one time leadership challenger shows off his property portfolio to the watching world.

Margaret Beckett running the launderette on Albert Square and Alan Johnson the caff, Caroline Flint smouldering as a barmaid at the Rovers, John Prescott pulling faces while punching farmers on Emmerdale, Alastair Darling as Colonel Fraser in a Dad’s Army remake; “We’re dooooomed, we’re all doooooooomed, this is the worst crisis for 60 years, you’ve never had it so bad!”

Bu the best idea, by far, I’ve saved till last: any one of a number of troughing MPs on “The Generation Game”, trying to memorise the conveyer belt of items generously donated by the taxpayer: Cuddly toy, antique fireplace, bath plug, barbecue, cuddly toy, deluxe cleaning services, council tax, Plasma screen tv, cuddly toy, kitchen sink, super fast broadband, By Special Request, first-class rail warrant, cuddly toy…

N-n-n-n-niiice to pilfer you, to pilfer you niiiiiiice!