Situations vacant: Leader of the Labour Party

Richard Robinson‘s Speech Bubble

Dear David, Eds (Balls & Miliband), John, Andy & Diane,

Thank you all very much for applying for the above post. I would like to remind you of some of the challenges facing the next leader of our party and to draw your attention to what may be seen as essential qualifications for the post.

First, you must possess the ability to give coherence to the party’s thinking, and for future programmes when we return to government.

Second, you should be able to clearly demonstrate attention to detail, especially speaking in public (we can’t afford another Gillian Duffy moment).

Third, you must have a sound understanding and grasp of economics – we can’t allow Vince to steal the show for much longer, and we know George Osborne is hollow. So you all must begin to expose his determination to slay some of our most progressive policy ideas – child trust funds, future jobs funds and expansion in university places.

It would also be helpful if you all touched, at least in part, on how you think the world has changed, and how much you have personally grasped this.

I’ll be quite candid and give you a brief resume of where I stand on each of your respective strengths and weaknesses, as of today:

Contender 1: David Miliband
I accept, David, that at this point you are the favourite; it would be churlish to deny this. You’ve got a brilliant intellect, and your statement that the party must rebuild itself as a great reforming champion of social and economic change is sound. For me, though, it’s a wider, more sceptical public we’ve got to convince, never mind The Sun. I’m not sure you have the same skills as your younger brother to appeal to that wide electorate.

Contender 2: Ed Miliband
You are arguably the most impressive candidate so far. I like the endorsement of Neil Kinnock – he knows what needs to be done to change a party in opposition and recognises that ability in you, as well as your ability to connect. I also remember from when I met you several years ago a phrase of Oscar Wilde’s you recited: “socialism is great, but takes too many evenings”. This is very true, and the wider Labour movement will appreciate your efforts. Despite your elder brother being the bookies’ favourite, like James Macintyre in the New Statesman, I do believe there is genuine momentum with you.

Contender 3: Ed Balls
I have seen quite a bit of support for you, Ed, amongst my 1,200 Facebook friends. My biggest fear is that even though we in the party love and respect Gordon Brown, the wider public don’t. That’s a potential weakness.

Contender 4: John McDonnell
In an ideal world I would really genuinely love to vote for you. You were excellent on Any Questions last Saturday on Radio 4 and gave a brilliant repudiation of Willy Walsh. If truth be told, though, it would have been Jon Cruddas who would have been the only contender from the left to present a serious, credible challenge. “Prime Minister McDonnell” – that doesn’t really sound plausible, and it’s a Labour Prime Minister and government we are working towards.

Contender 5: Andy Burnham
As the youngest candidate, it is a tribute to you that you have risen so much in stature in such a short space of time. Keen musician, football fanatic, and having handled one of the biggest-spending departments in Whitehall you are clearly one for the future. Perhaps a post Miliband era favourite?

Contender 6: Diane Abbott
I love your sense of humour and am an avid watcher of the “This Week” show. I’ve admired your passion and commitment for a long time. I accept that you are certainly well known, although the fact that you say your bid for the leadership is unexpected leads me to think you lack confidence in your ability to win the final contest.

Those are my conidered judgements, and mine alone, of your relative strengths and weaknesses. I hope they are helpful to all of you as candidates.

I’ll be back with an update for the six of you – and perhaps more? – next Wednesday.

Best regards

Richard Robinson