“Angry? We are.”

So begins ‘AboutUs’ page on Cambridge Defend Education’s website, their rhetorical question perfectly illustrating what little interest they have in listening to other people.

Oddly, it also seems to expect that any visitors to the site are angry. No pleasantries, just straight to the business of being outraged. No time, even, for a fully structured sentence: putting “Are you” in front of the word “angry” would waste valuable time that could be spent being apoplectic about the thing they are keen to tell you they are angry about. Not even about in particular at this point. Not “Angry about cuts?” or “Angry about fees?”. No. Just “Angry?” Angry about anything? You’re in the right place. Did you accidentally stumble across this site after slamming your face repeatedly into the keyboard in an act of inexplicable pent-up rage? You’re one of us now.

On Tuesday, Cambridge University was hosting a debate with Universities Minister David Willetts, who was to open proceedings with a statement about what he felt universities should represent. Just as he got to the stage, however, one man in the crowd stood up.

“Dear David,” he bellowed, by way of interruption. Then he paused, allowing his accomplices within the crowd to repeat his strong opening line. “The future does not belong to you.” Another pause followed, and sections of the crowd again dutifully repeated. This technique of repeating even the most banal statement of the original speaker is apparently known as a ‘People’s Mic’, presumably to make a contrast with the kind of electrical microphones used by rappers, stand up comedians and trade unionists, all of whom are millionaires. “This is an epistle,” the people continued, before adding, unnecessarily, “which is addressed to you.”

This was the self-proclaimed ‘epistle’ of the Cambridge Defend Education, entitled ‘GOHOME, DAVID’. I have checked, by the way, and the capitals are not optional. After a few minutes, Willetts left. By the time the CDE got to their closing, “Go home, David./ And learn your gods anew”, he would have been pulling onto the motorway, probably pleased to be able to get home so soon. The poem (I think it’s supposed to be a poem) has lots of lines like “learn your god anew” and not many actual facts or arguments.

There’s a lot about religion and gods that build up to that last sentence. There are bits that don’t make much sense. There’s a bit about a car that they are“clambering” into the driving seat of, before saying that the car metaphor (that they introduced, for no reason) “betrays” Willetts and that, actually, they have no ambition to get into the driving seat. That they’ve already clambered into. The driving seat of a car that they don’t want to be souped up. The driving seat of a car that they don’t want to be souped up, driving down a narrow road. With a horizon that’s vanishing. So “look elsewhere for your metaphors, David”. Yeah, David!

One of their biggest grievances seems to be that David Willetts has already made up his mind about the legislation that he’s introduced. Now, as much as I dislike the reform to higher education, I would say it’s at least fitting with his values. Whereas shutting down a debate because you think that someone won’t agree with you at the end does not follow with the kind of free speech you claim to support. “Nothing is up for debate here;/ your mind is made up;/ you are not for turning”, said the people who didn’t allow the debate to happen.

This is why I accused them of “hilariously unaware, pretentious tosspottery”. They refuted this, claiming it was “hilariouslyself–awaretosspottery”. Well, there we are. We’ve entered an age of post-protest. Meta-anger. They have staged a purposefully bad protest. In a time when everyone is irrelevantly occupying any piece of space, Cambridge Defend Education have realised that the only way to really get any attention is to do something so monumentally rubbish that no one has any option other than to give it attention. I hadn’t realised this was the new Footlights performance piece. It’s reminiscent of ‘Doyouweep, MrsThatcher?’. And that was written by a fictional thirteen year old.

They are still there now, occupying the space they never let David Willetts speak in. An insular close-knit and small-minded group of self-important group, Cambridge Defend Education represent the unthinking, hypocritical left at its worst. In their ‘About Us’, they say “we will listen to each other”. It just seems a shame they won’t listen to anyone else.