Goodbye, Silvio

The comedian Dylan Moran once described Silvio Berlusconi as a man “so thoroughly corrupt, every time he smiles an angel gets gonorrhea.”

I find it hard to believe that a character like the resigning Italian Prime Minister exists in the modern world. He seems more like a crass caricature of a sleazy Italian waiter in a 1970’s joke than a real person, let alone a successful politician. He’s not so much a relic of another era as he is a towering pyramid of political incorrectness, a wonder of the modern world, priding himself that time has not eroded his obnoxious stone walls. You’ve heard about the official No.10 petition to get Jeremy Clarkson as PM? It’s like that happened, if Jezza had found a fast car that was actually fuelled by testosterone, explosions and saying “Phwoar”.

He can’t possibly be real. He’s the funniest concept Roy “Chubby” Brown isn’t talented enough to have thought of.

Here is a man who owns half of the media in Italy, as well as AC Milan, who seemingly viewed the occupation of Prime Minister as an excellent chat-up line for his grand-daughter’s friends. Yet the people of Italy clearly felt he had their best interests at heart. To be honest Italy – and I don’t want to be harsh here – he’s reflected quite poorly on the lot of you. I don’t speak much Italian, but I don’t think I ever want to know what “bunga bunga” actually means.

The Berlusconi stories eclipse anything we’ve had in British politics. There’s a video of him on YouTube pretending to have sex with an unwitting traffic inspector. He appointed a former weather girl on a TV channel he owned as Equalities Minister (she’s, er, no Harriet Harman). He apparently once said that if asked, 70% of women would want to have sex with him, while the other 30% would say “What, again?” He reportedly called Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, an “unf*ckbale lard arse”. Earlier this year he went on trial for allegedly paying an underage girl for sex. Wikipedia has a section for ‘Trials involving Silvio Berlusconi’. His biggest crime of course, according to the Daily Mail, was that he and Tony Blair got on well. Crook.

I don’t have internet at home at the moment, so I can’t actually fact check any of these things. I’m pretty sure he owns AC Milan and that he’s just resigned, but everything else is pretty much up for debate: it’s all simply hearsay. My favourite story is that in one of his houses he has a marble statue of Superman with his own face on. True? No idea. Plausible? I’m sold.

It doesn’t really matter what is true any more because the idea of Berlusconi reigns. He’s an arrogant, incompetent chauvinist. If he had a Euro for every time he faced a vote of no confidence, he’d have two statues of Superman with his own face. And here, inexplicably, lies the reason for his departure from office: the Eurozone crisis.

The reason Berlsusconi had got as far as had in the first place was because of his image. He was a bit of a rogue, a ladies’ man. People knew what they were getting. Perhaps they just became jaded. The scandals washed over them because, in the end, that’s Silvio! What did you expect?

Ultimately, it had to be something largely out of his control to do him in. Once you’ve developed the kind of public persona that he cultivated, then your immunity to criticism spreads. No one’s surprised when the country goes to the dogs when the PM’s spending all night chasing skirt and, hey, they’d already let him off for that. It would be hypocritical of them to start blaming him for not doing things like run the country properly if they’re going to let him off for all the other stuff that means he can’t run the country properly. It was a vicious circle with an immortal stood in the middle. It had to be something huge to bring him down. That’s why he’s been Italy longest serving post-war PM.

Beware of politicians with this quality. If they can shrug off a scandal without apologising, you’ve let them go too far. The nearest thing we have here is Boris. Labour should be worried about this. Not just in London next year, but for years to come. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that Boris could well be the next Tory leader and if he can shrug off stories of mistresses and Bullingdon antics now, then they will hardly come back to bite him later. He’s been a useless mayor, but he’s ahead in the polls. The Berlsusconi effect is already taking place.

I hear he’s getting a marble statue…