Why haven’t I changed my mind on Independence? Because my head and my heart say no

While time wasting on Facebook I’ve noticed people who I consider thoughtful have been sharing why they have changed their minds and will now vote Yes to independence.

I have found myself thinking why haven’t I changed my mind? Am I not thinking things through enough? Why despite years working, thinking and reading, not about independence but about how to make the world a fairer place, end poverty and reduce inequality; why am I not despairing of Westminster and tempted by this hopeful new left-wing Scotland?

Making a fairer world involves changing who owns and controls the levers of power. I know many think that in an independent Scotland there are more people who want to change those power structures, but I just don’t see how that will happen.

Changing from the British elite to a purely Scottish elite does not work for me. Maybe its just the English and Welsh people I know, but I do not see a great wedge of right wing-ness amongst them. I know that plenty of Scots would vote for Tory policies if they weren’t put forward by the Tories. I also know England and Wales have a long and proud radical tradition.

I have been in and out of the Labour Party. It has pissed me off as much as anyone. Most of my paid work has been in organisations campaigning for change and that experience leaves me convinced if you want sustainable fundamental change you need a political party representing ordinary working people in power and so I choose to stay in that party.

I do not think that a Scottish only party will become the one of my dreams, or even of the 1970s, once free of non-Scots members. I have decided not to moan about the labour party but do what I can to promote ideas for change and get it into power.

I see that progress is hard and slow, life under the Tories is painful. I still see great achievements from workers standing together across the UK to change to lives here and internationally. Look back 100 years and the world is transformed. I know many will laugh, but I found the Olympic opening ceremony really moving.

Don’t get me wrong I do worry about another Tory Government but I also worry about what independence would bring. A currency controlled by a parliament we do not elect anyone to will be a disaster for Scotland. A new currency could be worth less than the pounds my debts will still be measured in. Building a new country is hard and those with the least suffer the most in tough times.

I am a researcher so I have researched. I have spent far too much time reading about how small countries are the wealthiest, that Scotland will be more left-wing and more likely to invest in fighting poverty, that its an opportunity to be nuclear free, and to rid ourselves of gross inequality, that it couldn’t be any worse, and Westminster isn’t working.

Its not just that I’m unconvinced by these economic and political arguments, that I don’t believe we are more left wing or more inclined to peace. It’s that I have come to realise, for me, its not only about rationally weighing up the pros’s and cons its much more about how I feel.

Its a feeling of pride in the success in the labour movement, solidarity with friends but also strangers across the UK. Not just in politics but in a shared culture and belonging. I felt at home when I lived in London. I didn’t need to explain myself or my jokes to new friends. There is a shared culture and terms of reference. Its not just singing the Internationale or even the Red Flag its singing That’s Entertainment or Get Back. I love Coronation Street and Strictly Come Dancing, its not that I am worried about accessing them on the TV, its about them being mine. That feeling has not gone away no matter what I’ve read and who I’ve talked to.

My teenage self loved the sounds coming from the streets of the Midlands and London. The Clash, The Specials and The Jam changed my life. They got me interested in politics (and look where that’s got me).

Listening to them, even unexpectedly on the radio still makes my heart soar. They made me love music and to seek out more, to look outwards: to listen to sounds of Jamaica, to RnB and hip hop. Manchester bands were the soundtrack to my 1990s. Music is still really important to me even in middle age. Again these bands are part of me.

So yes there will be lots more papers, lots more discussion and debate. And sadly, lots more bitterness and name calling. I find it hard when I get called traitor and quisling and even more so a unionist. I am none of those things.

I am Scottish. I am not sure it makes me proud, its not an achievement but its what I am. It just happened to me. I was brought up on a scheme. Half my family are from Arran. But I also want the world to be better, fairer and safer. I want change, but real change.

My head and my heart say no. Its just how I feel.