The Week in Bits: “Welcome to Britain, 2014. The end can’t come soon enough”

Impending Armageddon comes as blessed relief for prospective homeowners

The prediction that the average price for a small flat in central London will rise to £36million by 2050 was not met with any particular surprise, given the unstoppable force that is the UK’s absurd housing market. Predictability does not, however, negate any feelings of glum impotence towards the hope of one day owning a place to live, and the depressing forecast was only lightened by the increasing likelihood of the outbreak of World War Three.

Yes, the Doomsday clock has been wheeled out of its metaphorical cupboard and dusted off, with its hand showing that we are all more likely to die in a nuclear war when the Tories are in power. With the crisis in Ukraine deepening, Putin has stepped up his “Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough” antics towards the West, much to the dismay of pretty much everyone else.

Currently, it’s unclear how being responsible for the potential onset of a new global war will affect Putin’s chances at receiving the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize, for which he has been nominated. If the Russian President’s use of force against Chechnyan separatists and Georgia, his time spent as head of the KGB and his ongoing supply of weapons for Assad in Syria do not bar him from the award, then he probably stands a decent chance.

But, anyway, the good news for aspiring homeowners: should we all die in a nuclear explosion as a direct result of Russia’s military aggression in the Crimea, we can all go happy in the knowledge that we will no longer endure being fleeced by estate agents.

David Cameron’s meme crisis

Our Prime Minister’s reaction to the worsening situation in Ukraine was to brag about how important he was on social media, taking to Twitter to show everyone he was having a phonecall with Obama about it.

This led to a torrent of mockery, with the people of Britain taking time out from calling Cameron a “dishface” (check the replies to basically any David Cameron tweet ever) to post pictures of themselves joining in with the important discussion. The culmination was with the arrival of Patrick Stewart to the meme fold, meaning that we were now at a point where the most powerful politician in our country could be effectively lampooned by an actor holding a packet of wet wipes to his face. Welcome to Britain, 2014. The end can’t come soon enough.

Cameron then felt the most appropriate way to gain credibility was to hit back at Stewart, sending him a picture of him chatting to former President Bill Clinton, with a message that managed to be unfunny, passive-aggressive, embarrassing and unstatesmanlike, all in fewer than 140 characters.

At the time this column was written, Sir Patrick had tweeted only once since the PM’s response: to encourage people to join the Labour Party on International Women’s Day. I guess some people have better things to do than mess about on the internet all the time.

Between a Rock and a hard place

The Tory high command faced further discomfort as news leaked that No 10 adviser Patrick Rock had been arrested on suspicion of child porn offences. Rock, who had worked on policy concerning internet filters, was arrested and resigned several weeks ago, a fact Downing Street had kept secret. This is presumably the first case of a government setting up a secret police force with the sole purpose of quietly arresting their own members.

Other unlikely bits

In a week that provided plenty of unlikely news (may we refer you back to Vladimir Putin Peace Price nomination, paragraph three), the Lib Dems were defeated in a council by-election by a candidate standing for the Elvis Bus Pass Party, far-right fascist groups were successful in closing down Legoland for a day, and UKIP leader Nigel Farage complained about people not speaking English on trains. Alright, so that last one isn’t so surprising. But if he comes out in favour of nationalising the railways (as 78% of UKIP voters support), we should possibly be a little wary.