Break free, SamCam – vote Labour!

By Sophie Elmhirst

Did she or didn’t she? She didn’t! Well that was all over pretty quickly. A front page let-down for the Mail, a national scandal averted, yet another opportunity for a Tory front-bencher to cavort red-faced on the telly, emitting embarrassed statements in the hope that he will once again be invited round for Sunday lunch at the Camerons’. Samantha Cameron – SamCam to her tabloid fans, AmDram to her detractors – did not in fact vote Labour. Not ever. Not even when it was cool. Not even when she used to shoot pool and hang out with musicians. Not even when she got her tattoo.

But Sam, it’s not too late. It’s never too late. You could still wrest back the old pool-shooting street cred. There’s another tattoo in you waiting to get out, I can feel it. That spotted grey I-am-clever-and-make-good-cakes dress is merely a disguise, I know, of a wild spirit tamed into political wifedom. Break free! (Not from Dave; that would be mean). Vote Labour! Here’s why:

a) Let’s start serious. You work in business. George Osborne will be running the economy if the Tories get in. Yeesh.

b) You seem intelligent and successful. That means you must think about the world and its future. That means you must think that something should be done about climate change. That means you must completely disagree with an amazing number of Tories who seem to think it’s all a nonsense or at least a massive waste of time and money.

c) You seem worldy and savvy. That means you must know single mothers, or single fathers, or couples who aren’t married, or any number of parenthood combinations. That means you must think Dave’s marriage policy is bonkers.

d) No one needs to know! After all this kerfuffle over whether you did or didn’t before, no one in their right mind will suspect you this time. It’s the perfect cover.

e) Think how it would feel. The ultimate rebellion, the two fingers up to the true blues of Witney, the grand old dames at the constituency dinners who bray at you across the table as your eyes cross with boredom. It would feel better than any tattoo. (Plus, you could get the tattoo – “I voted Labour” but written in Chinese symbols so nobody knows. When Dave asks, say that it means “Marriage is awesome”.)

f) Instant cool. The Tories haven’t got it however much Dave goes on about Lily Allen (does he like her or doesn’t he? I haven’t read the latest white paper).

g) Celebrity friends. If you switch to the red team, you’ll hang out with JK Rowling and David Tennant. A-list. Nice people. Genuinely famous people. Stick with the blues and it’s Carol Vorderman (who will crow at you incessantly over her specs), Chris Rea and Ken Barlow. Oh. And Robert Mugabe.