Who are the most annoying celeb Tories?

By Shamik Das / @shamikdas

Wow! What a couple of weeks it’s been!! Thanks to the actions of a few uncouth individuals us bloggers have had a light shone upon our private little world as never before, with everyone from the Leader of the Opposition to my own mother shocked at what has gone on.

It would be all too easy to write a column expressing righteous anger at Billy Bunter and his gang, but, with the Prime Minister apologising, I feel the time is right to move on, and what better way to do so than by doing what the blogosphere does best: a little light mickey-taking, allied to a gentle dose of Tory bashing.

So, in honour of one half of GB blogging’s very own Woodward and Bernstein, I bring you a list of the most annoying celebrity Tories; not quite a Dale-esque top ten, but a top five, à la Giles Dilnot in The Daily Politics each Friday lunchtime.

Cue Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love…

At five, the boys from Busted, who came out for the Tories in 2004, just months before the faux-rockers split, setting out to prove that you achieve more alone than by the strength of your common endeavour, though they were briefly re-united in 2006 for a £10 million court battle over royalties.

At four, Victoria Beckham, who back when she was plain Victoria Adams, along with her fellow Spices, described Mrs Thatcher as “the original Spice Girl” and the embodiment of Girl Power.

In the hilarious Speccie interview, she also went all swivel-eyed and Kilroy, calling Europe “a terrible trick on the British people”, adding that Britain “must keep our national individuality”. Wonder what her Milanese neighbours make of that?!

At three, the undisputed king of Saturday night tele, Andrew Lloyd Webber. The man’s brilliant at what he does but does he have to come across as such an arrogant, pompous toff, sitting on his throne and sneering at the audience, almost as if he’s saying “I’m rich and you’re not, na-na-na-na-naa!”

You may recall that, before the 1997 General Election, his Lordship, along with Paul Daniels and Frank Bruno, vowed to leave Britain if Labour came to power. Twelve years and several offers to send them packing later they’re still here. Yet another broken Tory promise!

At two, unfunny man Jim Davidson, a truly abhorrent piece of work, a man who makes Bernard Manning look like pc gone mad. Guest speaker at the 2000 Conservative party conference, he invoked the spirit of Nick Griffin, squealing “I want my country back“. No prizes for guessing what he meant there.

In case you’re wondering, the guest of honour at the Labour party conference that year was a bloke called Mandela. You may have heard of him. Two more contrasting individuals, a greater chasm between good and bad, you could not hope to find.

And finally, in at number one, it’s the only thing he’ll win all year, Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard, who revealed he was a Blue off the pitch as well as on it in an interview with the Mirror in November 2007.

Just what is it about Lampard that grates so, so very much? The scrappy nature of his goals for one, nearly all deflections, defensive errors and tap-ins, followed up by the same boring celebration in which he spits chavvishly, grabs his shirt and kisses the badge as if he’d forever been a Chelsea man, accompanied on each occasion by the sight of Roman Abramovich grinning gormlessly and clapping like a five-year-old.

The unbearable frustration that successive England managers continue to pick him in spite of the fact that he so obviously can’t play alongside the much more talented, classy and likeable Steven Gerrard.

And then there’s his past, the occasion when, in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, he drunkenly abused a group of grieving Americans.

What a pleasant bunch those Tories are! Make McDumb and Dumber look like a pair of angels…