Taking 2012 predictions to their logical conclusion…

2011 was one of the most unpredictable years on record. Well, strictly speaking, that’s not true; it was every bit as unpredictable as every other year, but lots of newsworthy things happened that people wouldn’t have dared predict a year ago today.

Fortunately, I’m braver than any coward you were reading a year ago, so here are my predictions for the next 364 days:

– Owen Jones will write a follow-up to Chavs called Trots: The Demonization of the Middle Class.

– In a blogpost (who for, I do not know), Dan Hodges will claim he has used the Large Hadron Collider to come back in time and warn us all about the electoral abyss the Labour Party face under Ed Miliband in 2015. The police pick him up in the early hours of the following morning on Whitehall, telling someone he needs their clothes and their motorcycle.

– At a G8 meeting, David Cameron and Nicolas Sarkozy have a fight. Merkel pulls Sarkozy back by one arm, shouting “He ain’t worth it, Nici!”

– Nick Clegg will… something, something, something. No one cares, and by this time next year, we’ll have forgotten who he is anyway.

– After realising that, after two years in power, the most David Cameron has ever been held to account is that guy from the One Show asking him how he sleeps at night, Ed Miliband will step aside for Adrian Chiles. The PLP will rush through their overwhelming, unchallenged support for him before anyone can point out what a terrible mistake they’ve made.

– Blackburn Rovers will be relegated.

– Syria will change its Facebook status to “It’s complicated”.

– At a fortunately timed by-election, Adrian Chiles will become Labour’s newest MP in order to properly fulfill his role as leader of the opposition. The CLP had rushed through their overwhelming, democratic support of his selection. On a timetable set by Labour Party HQ. On a shortlist of one.

– Nick, erm, whathisface, you know… leader of the Lib Dems? What’s he called? Anyway, doesn’t matter. He does something. I forget what.

– Andrew Lansley announces plans to cut hospitals. All of them. “We’re going to turn them into unused mansions people aren’t allowed to squat in,” he announces, gleefully.

– At his first PMQs, Chiles uses his first question as Leader of the Opposition to ask David Cameron what he likes to do in his spare time.

– The Olympics happen. Whoever is London Mayor says it goes well. The one who lost says it goes badly. They both have points.

– As a result of being absolved of any wrongdoing by Essex Police, Chris Huhne is given a well deserved promotion to Foreign Secretary.

– The summer brings more riots to London, this time more politically motivated, as participants in the unrest rally around Nigel Farage’s calls to leave the EU. Commentators put this down to poor refereeing during England’s Quarter Final defeat to Portugal in Euro 2012.

– Labour leader Adrian Chiles will pledge to take Miliband’s ‘blank sheet of paper’ to its logical conclusion by entering the next election with a no policies whatsoever. The triumphant crescendo of his conference speech is: “Go home and don’t prepare for anything. Zilch. Nada. Nothing!”

– Rather than the usual standing ovation given to a leader’s conference speech, Labour members’ react by simply slapping their own foreheads.

– Front page of The Independent on Thursday the 4th October will report how a loud facepalming noise emitting from Manchester the previous day produced a sonic wave that will affect weather patterns in Borneo.

– In his Autumn statement, George Osborne uses the word “die” 327 times, unprecedented for a Chancellor’s budget speech.

– Riding high in the polls, David Cameron calls Parliament to dissolve. He needs over 50% of MPs to support a motion for a General Election. With the public and several of their frontbench team having forgotten who leads them (Sarah Teather calls him “Nigel Clough” on Question Time the week before), the Lib Dems do not back the proposal. However, with a buoyant Labour Party reaching a heady 14% in the polls (third, behind the SNP), Adrian Chiles orders a three-line whip on Labour backing the bill.

– Gnereal Election called for December 12th.

– During a patriotic speech to people outside a BHS in Macclesfield, in which he claims to bleed the colours of the Union Jack, David Cameron cuts himself with a shard of glass to reveal he does actually bleed the colours of the Union Jack. People vomit and flee the scene.

– The following day, Alex Salmond will also make a patriotic speech by a river in Dundee, in which he claims to only bleed the colours of the Scottish flag. Just as he is about to cut himself, he inadvertently revers to the river as a “Loch”. People vomit and flee the scene.

– The day after that, the leader of the Liberal Democrats also has a speech.

– The Labour Party romp to victory in the General Election, with 87% of the vote. The first piece of legislation to be passed is the abolition of the monarchy, effectively making the office of Prime Minister the President of the United Kingdom.

– LONG LIVE ADRIAN CHILES, OUR BELOVED HEAD OF STATE.

– Kim Jong-Un will kill us all.

We can tick them off as we go. Now, pass the berocca.