EXCLUSIVE – 2015 general election “must be cancelled”, says the Bubble

We, the inhabitants of the Westminster Bubble, have an announcement. We have decided that the 2015 general election should be cancelled. We don’t need it. We know what should happen. David Cameron should and must be returned to office. That is why next year’s general election has clearly become superfluous.

It is with regret that we note Ed Miliband’s stubborn refusal to fall into line. Since becoming leader of the Labour party – and how we allowed that to happen is still a matter of some anxiety to us – he has foolishly and repeatedly rejected the script we sent him to read out. He has not disowned the last Labour government. He has not given us a series of vapid soundbites to report. Nor (worst of all) has he  dedicated very much of his time to keeping us happy. Did he learn nothing from the Leveson enquiry, which revealed that when he was leader of the opposition, David Cameron spent almost half his time schmoozing journalists? Apparently Ed was not paying attention to that.

We blame ourselves. Frankly, some members of the Bubble have rather let us down. Last week, in an otherwise effective performance undermining Ed, Peter Mandelson let slip that “the electoral arithmetic is probably on his side”. That lapse has been noted, and should not be repeated. But Mandy’s insight – or rather, gaffe – is another obvious reason why GE 2015 cannot be allowed to take place.

Then there is the unfortunate matter of the Daily Mail’s attack on Ralph Miliband and the Miliband family in general. Why so soon? Going early like this handed Ed an opportunity to mark himself out as a person of courage and integrity .

This was clearly an absolute disaster for all of us here in the Bubble. This was not the story we wanted to tell.

Unfortunately, whatever we throw at Ed from now on will be seen in the context of this original attack. Our attempts at character assassination have borne some fruit – see Ed’s personal poll ratings. But it will, unfortunately, be impossible now to demonise Ed in the way we managed so successfully with his predecessor Neil Kinnock. The public do not want to see him being bullied again in this way. Lord Kinnock knows this and speaks from experience – why do you think he leapt back into the limelight at the weekend? The voting public will not be fooled again, sadly. Another reason why we say: cancel the election.

While Miliband’s personal ratings are low, his party remains, frustratingly, in the lead. We have spent over a year now telling the country how much better the economy is doing and still the public refuse to say they will be voting Conservative in very large numbers. It is almost as if most people outside the Bubble simply do not believe that this much-delayed economic recovery will do them much good personally. They seem to feel that the sort of economy we have now – low pay, low skills, low productivity, low job security – is bad news. God forbid that people should get a chance to vote on this next May.

Our brief flirtation with Farage has proved a terrible mistake. Subsequently, several weeks of attacks on him have yielded little. “Vote Ukip get Ed” has flopped. And later this week Dave seems likely to give Ukip another massive boost by failing to block the appointment of Jean-Claude Juncker as the new EU Commission President. He has destroyed the credibility of his plans to “renegotiate” the terms of the UK’s EU membership. He has fallen out with his most important ally, Germany. This is a disaster. The collapse of Dave’s Europe strategy would be mercilessly exposed in the general election campaign. Which is why we say: there must not be one.

It’s pretty clear, isn’t it? If things carry on as they are, Labour are going to be, at least, the largest party after the next election should that election be allowed to go ahead. The Tories are flatlining, and Ukip refuses to crumble. If we don’t put a stop to the electoral process then perhaps only hours after the polls close (we say: don’t open them in the first place) Ed and Justine will be smiling and waving from the doorstep of No.10 Downing Street.

And we can’t have that, can we? Cancel GE 2015!

Yours ever,

The Bubble