What planet are the Lib Dems on?

Lib Dem conference is on in Glasgow. Understandably, you may not have noticed. The turnout for Britain’s 3rd (4th? or is it 5th?) largest party’s conference isn’t the best. Photos from inside the hall before Danny Alexander’s “keynote” speech yesterday looked half empty, perhaps indicative of a party that has lost huge numbers of members, councillors and activists in recent years. Add to that the fact that the Lib Dems are a minority party in Scotland, then it’s little surprise that their Glasgow conference is something of a niche affair.

Add into the mix that many political journalists have spent much of the last six weeks away from home – Scotland to Manchester to Doncaster to Birmingham. For some, Lib Dem conference in Glasgow is a leap too far.

And yet the Lib Dems haven’t allowed the absence of publicity to stop them from making a fool of themselves. Despite teetering on the edge of electoral oblivion after four years of a coalition government that nobody wanted, they’ve started pining for coalition negotiations again, and (somewhat presumptuously) begun setting our their negotiating position.

Here are just some of the red lines that have been floated at Lib Dem conference so far:

• That Nick Clegg must stay as leader (a red line Clegg didn’t afford to Gordon Brown in 2010)
• Opposing an EU Referendum (which Clegg has since rowed away from for fear of scaring the Tories off)
• PR for council elections
• Opposing welfare spending changes
• Staying in the ECHR

And now Norman Lamb – a close ally of Nick Clegg – has suggested that it would be hard for the Lib Dems to go into coalition with Ed Miliband’s Labour Party.

To which the only reply is anger or laughter – both of which can be complimented with vigorous baffled head shaking.

Paddy Ashdown has been telling Lib Dems this weekend that they are “far too bloody nice”. Nothing could be further from the truth. This a party with absolutely nothing positive to offer the British people. Their entire electoral strategy is to say that the other parties are either useless or dastardly, and that only by voting Lib Dem can the British people partially avoid either one or the other. Clegg now says that he won’t go into a coalition with a party that penalises the poor – but he’s been working with one since 2010. His party attack Labour for “wrecking the economy”, but the Lib Dems supported Labour’s economic plans right up until they jumped into bed with the Tories.

Who exactly do they Lib Dems think they are? Do they understand their current predicament? Do they not realise that they are the watchword for unscrupulous untrustworthiness in politics? Their vote share is now around a quarter of what it was five years ago. They’re polling 7% and would probably do anything at this point to get a higher vote share than UKIP. And yet they’re the ones who think they can dish out the red lines to other parties? The Lib Dems may believe that going into coalition with Labour would be problematic for them, but it could be utterly toxic for the Labour Party. Just imagine the reaction from Labour voters across the country if they realise that booting out the Tories doesn’t mean booting out their orange accomplices. “It doesn’t matter who you vote for” would have no better exemplar.

Although as one Shadow Cabinet member said to be recently “If we have to work with them, look on the bright side. If the last four years have shown us anything, it’s that they’ll basically do anything to stay in power.”