Don’t judge my family

By Sarah Milne / @Sarah_E_Milne

A film made by the campaign group Don’t Judge My Family was released yesterday to highlight the potential consequences for widows and single parents of the Conservatives’ proposed marriage tax break. The campaign was supported a in a letter to the Telegraph from 70 widows claiming the policy to be “morally unjustifiable” and recommending that money be channeled to families who need it the most. The financial incentive is unfair but what concerns me more is David Cameron’s insistence that his main aim is to send out a message that marriage is central to a society promoting stable families and social responsibility.

I’m a single Mum to three happy and balanced children. You can see us on the film, having fun together and collapsing into spontaneous laughter at the end. My youngest son, William, has complex medical needs, mild cerebral palsy and Asperger’s Syndrome. Shortly after he had an organ transplant at the end of 2008, my partner told me that the stress we’d been through had damaged our relationship beyond repair. Neither of us did anything wrong, we had just been tested too far. I came out of a traumatic time as a single parent, someone seen as less than ideal by the Conservatives.

Would David Cameron rather have couples battle on, condemning their family to a life full of tension, waiting for the next argument? That’s what it was like for us when we tried to keep our relationship going ‘for William’s sake.’ No one was happy. The week after we split up, I was at William’s school where his teacher told me how everything seemed to have suddenly clicked that week. He was more relaxed, confident and happy and it was so pronounced that she asked if anything had happened. I told her yes, his parents split up. My girls are always saying how much closer we all are now and how much happier their lives are with the family the way it is. I’m not saying that marriage isn’t a good thing at all. It can be wonderful but the institution isn’t as important for a stable family as consistent parenting, unconditional love, support and happiness. Those things are what a government should be promoting.

A government sending out strong messages concerning whom it values and whom it doesn’t will influence public opinion. As Harriet Hardman has suggested, “smug married couples” will be “wagging their fingers” at people like me. This already happens from time to time. A stranger has told me that my son’s behaviour in a supermarket (a result of his Asperger’s Syndrome and a situation I had completely under control) was hardly surprising if I’m trying to bring him up on my own. I fear this kind of prejudice will happen more frequently under a Conservative government with policies that centre around the idea that married couples are to be valued above others. That is something I find sad and worrying for all.