Stella Tsantekidou column: ‘The dark arts are dead’

Who is calling Karl Turner crazy? Who is using Tony Vaughan’s legal profession against him? Who is feeding the soulless hacks stories about our Angela?

It is not Blairites versus the soft left, as loyal readers of my LabourList column already know. It is Labour’s two archetypes: Evil Sociopaths and Pathetic Losers. The former schemes, the latter endures. They are both lacking brute courage.

Why is this happening? It’s because some of our powerfuls (Evil Sociopaths) convinced themselves that despite being tainted by an accused national traitor who fraternised with a paedophile, they can win a media image war. Their continuing to fight dirty is entirely sustained by the goodwill of the oppressed Labour class (Pathetic Losers) who turn the other cheek, rather than, I don’t know, ensuring Mandelson’s kryptonite name is kept in the news like the briefers are attempting to do with Angie’s taxes.

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Personally, I am patient. They are still in the denial stage of mourning their lost identity as the sensibles, the grown-ups, the non-ideological professionals. It took the Prince of Darkness a whole life to learn that if you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

In ‘The Prince’, Niccolò Machiavelli, the original spinner, wrote that a ruler has to be both a ‘fox’ and a ‘lion’. In modern politics, a fox is an intellectual who manipulates narratives – a refined spin doctor. A lion is someone who goes for the jugular, who speaks plainly and doesn’t worry about who he offends – a brute populist.

Vilfredo Pareto incorporated these archetypes into his theory of the circulation of elites. The governing elite goes through periods of domination by either lions or foxes. Post-1945, the foxes have been dominating more and more: the lawyers, the diplomats, the civil servants. Trump and Brexit are the result of an electorate yearning for lions: authentic populists who speak off the cuff.

I don’t want Labour politicians to become money-grabbing, fascist-appeasers who vandalise our democratic institutions, but I do want them to stop being afraid of their own shadows and their non-idyllic personal lives. If we don’t change our tactics and continue showing up to a bar brawl with a lawsuit, we will end up bruised and humiliated.

A left version of the lion exists – if we could only stop culling them. You will recognise her by her copper-red mane (the care of which has also been the subject of much briefing).

When I am forced to read those dull, briefed-out stories for paper reviews, I think the briefer needs the fear of God instilled in them. The “but her taxes” line in particular reminds me of the “but her emails” attack on Hillary Clinton in 2016. I personally did not support that neolib hawk, indeed I actively campaigned against her as a field organiser on the Bernie Sanders campaign (and remain a Bernie-would-have-won truther). But the Clinton email saga, where she used a private server for non-classified emails, was laughable compared to the alternative. In the UK, the bar for soft-spoken men in linen is “accused of leaking market-sensitive state secrets to a paedophile,” and the bar for school drop-out teenage moms who defied all odds is “was given non-specialised tax advice on a notoriously complicated tax issue.”

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My favourite current Angela smear is about her not being ‘up to it’. This refers to the leadership rumours, but the briefers are not just damaging Angela’s leadership potential, but the reputation of one of Labour’s star players. Apart from being short-sighted with their aim, the briefers reveal their own pathetic political naivety. They warn us that the world is too dangerous and the economy too unstable, and voters want someone “serious” at the helm (i.e. a man). Do they live under a rock? Tell me, you strategy geniuses, you reckon Trump beat Clinton because he was more “serious” than her? Do you reckon Farage’s or Polanski’s popularity has anything to do with them being more “professional” than Keir Starmer?

Only boring men in suits believe this is what the public is attracted to in politicians. I, a girl in a crop top, however, speak to the public all the time! And they tell me in one voice: “Blair’s greatest asset was his vision and charisma, not his attack dogs. Negative briefings without a positive message is putting the cart before the horse.” Remarkably on the money, the public.

Parties need some discipline, but lions don’t lie. Ask Keir Starmer what good it did to him to pretend he is Santa Claus. Whatever you may think, no. 10, the whips, Rupert Murdoch or Middle England want to hear, a lobotomy will not serve your career in the long run. There are elegant ways to disagree with government policy without attacking your own prime minister. I recommend the master Emily Thornberry on Nick Robinson’s Political Thinking for this, where she makes her own values known without pretending the government has an easy job. John McDonnell is also a genius at staying true to his more ideological positions while remaining loyal to the Labour brand.

A lion labours out of love. If you hated recording your TikTok, the Zoomers hated watching it. If you hated drafting your local newspaper column, your constituents didn’t read it. In 2015, Ed Miliband looked like a hostage. In 2026, he could start his own cult if he liked and I would follow him. Look at Mike Tapp ordering his 56th full English breakfast of the month (where does he put them?) or Jake Richards taking his right-wing trolls for a ride. Our Labour TikTok Zoomerati (e.g. Political Princess, Wiliband) are so popular because their passion is organic, not ordained from above. Live every day you are an MP like it could be your last – polls say that will be the case for some of you.

A lion ignores the blob. Nobody cares about the Times. At this stage, they are a Westminster version of PopBitch. The reader will know I feel Labour Together betrayed the pure love of our Labour members for the highly conditional approval of the rags. So I sat up when I saw the headline about Josh Simons claiming he didn’t read his contract carefully because he was ‘only 30’. As a millennial girlboss myself, I can confirm that 30-year-old men are indeed tall children, but read the actual article under the hubristic headline, and he was by no means offering that as an excuse; it was context in a wider answer he gave on a live interview.

Should you stop going on live shows because your blubbering will be twisted into a “story”? No, you should double down. Flood the zone. The Daily Mail found a photo of you in a bikini when you were 19, doing Jell-O shots in Magaluf? Good. Your hero voters can relate. Tell your ex to leak the whole album if he fancies. We are lions. We are not afraid of rats.

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Repeat after me: the Dark Arts are dead. Get ready for active combat. Spinning the news is spinning your wheels. Man up, learn to fight; a lion is not afraid to speak truth to power.

Stop briefing, start talking. And if any Labour MPs find themselves in the metaphorical dock after one too many Stellas loosened their lips, they will find me on the steps of the court of public opinion, placard in hand with ‘WHERE’S THE LIE’ written on it.